im just sooo full of shit right now...

when i was studying psychology two terms back, it was all about science, how to make ppl believe and convince with all ur evidence and numbers and figures. it was shocking how numeric and systematic it was, which was waay over my head and waay different from the image i had of psychology. shocked by the way science takes over ppls minds... i thought it was all about the heart.

but now its education. it was one or the other. i couldnt do both and i was getting tired of psychology. education. its a concept, an idea. nothing solid. no facts and figures to work on to back up ur thoughts. its all about ideals. its all about how much u can dream and give to make this world a better place. its free to say all u want, all u can, but the problem is, reality wont catch up with it.

update, for the very few ppl who still visit here.

"im doing great! playing tennis almost every day!"
is my fixture line to the curious "how are you"s.

theres no lie in it, of course, and i really am doing great, but there should be more things going on in my life then oh-im-just-fine-and-tennis-is-good. and believe me, there are more things going on. almost too many that i cant fit them in to the laconicism. just great, would be the word to brief it all.

life is beautiful and happy, but there are times when i wonder about it too. it was just the other day that i was striken by a highly disturbing comment from some one. some one very close, who have grown very important to me. i can be the most optimistic and naive person in the world when it comes to the way to live life. im good at focussing on the present, neither looking back on the past, nor being too myopic about the future. past is your history, something you cant change, and the future is your dream you cant grasp, so what is important is to live up the present, where you are at this moment. and the future is practically defined by what you do in your present. when someone as flighty as me hears some other cynical person saying that he has no interest in his future, its no use looking for happiness because its so hard to find, and that he wishes life be a little shorter, the reaction is an utterly bewildered silence. i doubt he had much sincerity and truthfullness in what he said, but it still made me uneazy. life IS short as it is, believe me. dont try to make it any shorter. i cant tell anyone what is the right way to live life and what is not, becoz there isnt any correct ways. but if there isnt the correct way, why not live it the happy way? no??

photos:

to hayama, summer retreat with friends. in may.

tennis team nomi, in early june.

tennis camp, july.

ueno zoo, july.

family trip to shiobara, early august.

some things are really hard to get over.

especially when the cause is entirely on yourself.

what happened?
i lost all my data on my computer coz i formatted my labtop without saving the content. and now everything is gone. my pictures. PICTURES!!!!

from shanghai.
from last year.
from last last year.

the biggest lost, in my recent life.

time flies just so fast... and im savouring the smell of the spring for the 2nd time in japan. what i love about japan, time rolls with the changing seasons. i used to say i hate autumn and spring coz its so "half way through". if you say summer and winter are the two reaching points, spring and autumn become the middle point. the temperature is not too hot not too cold, the weather is temperamental and everything feels arbitrary. i rather liked the crisp air of winter and the pathetic heat of summer. but for the first time this year, i thought spring wasnt so bad afterall.

i shall update you with the old photos starting with jy's visit to japan back in january.

ive found so many new places i want to take you!!
you have to come another 2 or 3 times again <33

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then comes spring break.
the first spring break rendezvous, to the Tokyo Disney Land.

beautiful beautiful lighting show.
"cindelle-raboration"

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and comes some recent photos.

view from the top floor of tokyo metropolitan city hall.
FOR FREE!!!!!

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went cherry blossom viewing three times, all to different places this spring.
brilliant!!!

i love japan.

made lunch box for picnicking under the cherry blossom.

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and school started again only yesterday.

ive left my xanga untouched for too long... im sorry!
but i know no ones really interested in reading what im up to so ill update you with the usual picture diary instead.

ive turned 20 this year, which is supposed to be an important year for the japanese, many of you mayve heard of "coming of age" when teens are officially considered adults in the society. which comes with the privilege of being legal(yay!) and the right to vote. ppl usually goto the coming-of-age-ceremony, (which becomes a national holiday) girls dressed in kimonos and guys in hakamas but i decided it was too much of a hustle dressing up coz it costs a lot, and besides without my parents to celebrate it with me its pointless. so i went to get my photos taken in advance of the holiday!

woooohooo~~~!!
the whole process was so much fun, i got to choose one kimono to wear, from wardrobe full of them and got my hair done, did make ups and had the kimono worn. its SUCH a hustle wearing a kimono it takes so much energy you wouldnt believe it. and look at the piece of art on my back its GORGEOUS.

so that was that.
i spent my new years at my grandparents. all i did was eat and get fat. shit!

the last major event before the new years was the ski trip to Nigata with my tennis crew. which just turned out ...RADICAL! lol

emi and i on the lift uphill.

on our first day we did snow boarding but i changed to skiing on the second day coz i was on my butt half the time.

the view from our inn / the tennis crew soaked with alcohol. lol

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the year 2005 was an amazing year for me.
i couldnt say what part was exactly but the whole year looked back on is a series of events, full of 一期一会 moments. lol. translated, its "treasure every moment for it will never recur". supposedly. haha. i cant believe how well the environment suited me since i came back to japan and how well i fit in, but all that must have been for the people i met and who remained around me. thank you.

missed you ppl back in shanghai this christmas.  
hope to see you soon.

lots of love,
best wishes for the new year,

ayaka